August 08, 2015

Reliving a Day

Tomorrow is your big day. Tomorrow you are 3! I can not comprehend how my babies have already been here for 3 full years. It has been one of the most wild rides ever; from learning we were expecting not triplets but in fact 4 babies to having 4 babies grow, kick and move in my tummy to staring at my babies through isolette port holes with tears down my face wondering what I could have down to keep you all inside longer to having you all home that very first night to questioning every milestone you were late on and wondering if you were 'normal' to watching you take those first steps when I felt you all would be okay to watching you become little people who had a voice (or at least a high pitch scream) to boys and girls who spoke the words "mommy & daddy" to now being independent 3 year olds who have their own ideas and yet still fit perfectly as the babies of the family. At times it has been scary. At times it has been trying. At times it has been plain exhausting Yet it is a journey I would never trade because the joy you for bring me and the smiles & hugs I receive for just simply being your mom is worth all the difficult days.

Tomorrow we will be celebrating you; Kenzie, Isabella, Tate & Rylan. Though I will love watching you blow out your candles there is a part of me who wants to curl up in a rocking chair, over looking the ocean and while the waves crash against the rocks I want to allow myself to relive the day that took place 3 years ago. I want to feel the raw emotions from that day just one more time.

Going to the doctors office the morning of August 9th for a routine appointment but with a bag packed with the hope that I would be admitted just to keep a closer eye on my babies. 

Hearing that Baby A had once again not grown and it was time to deliver within the next 24-48 hours. The fear of having one baby who was not thriving but knowing delivering just shy of 31 weeks put all of them at risk. I cried because I was scared. I was failing my babies. I was not done being pregnant. I was not ready to know if all my babies would survive because if the answer was not I was not prepared.

Paul asking me if I wanted a wheelchair for the short walk from the high risk doctor office to the hospital and me saying no I wanted to walk. Partially because I wanted to walk and partly because I am stubborn.

Sitting on the bench outside the hospital on the most beautiful morning. The sun warm but not too hot. The birds singing. Me telling my mom that we were having a birthday party this weekend and allowing the tears to come once again because I needed my mom to tell me everything was going to be okay. Paul stood next to me pacing as he and his mom made the decision of whether or not his dad needed to catch the next flight because he only had 10 minutes to decide otherwise he would not have time to get to the airport and board the plane. 

Riding the elevator and a family asking me how many babies I was carrying. I answered 4 expecting the usual answers and instead they told me their daughter/sister just delivered identical triplets 5 days earlier.

Waiting for the high risk doctor on call in the hospital to come in and tell us the game plan. Paul trying to decide when the best time to run home was without missing the doctor nor the birth of his babies. Hearing her say that she was going to try and give us 72 more hours before making a decision because she was hoping complete hospital bed rest would buy us a little more time with Baby A. I smiled for the 1st time in hours. 

Getting ready to complete our 2nd round of monitoring for the day just shy of 8 o'clock. Praying that it would go as fast as the earlier session because lying on my back for any length of time was not easy. Being asked what Baby D's heart rate was earlier and having the nurse tell me they were getting 70. I asked her if it was my heart rate she was picking up? She called in another nurse and they checked a little longer. I still wasn't too alarmed at this moment but once the charge nurse walked in and put an oxygen mask on my face I knew we were at the end. 

I had Paul call my mom and tell her to come back. Paul asked me when she should come and I responded NOW. He needed to call his mom and she needed to come. We called our friends because they needed to figure out what to do with our other three kiddos. Someone needed to pick up Paul's dad who would be landing within the hour. We needed out photographer. We needed our village.

I got iv's. I got a catheter. Baby D's heart rate was back up to 110-120bpm. The ob on call confirmed it was Baby D's heart rate and not mine by ultrasound and said he would be assisting with the delivery. My high risk doctor who I loved would be delivering my babies. The same man who reassured me at 10 weeks that I could do this and my body could handle it. I posted on facebook that the babies were coming. I was calm through all of this until my mom walked in the room and handed me a rosary. I finally allowed myself to cry when I saw how scared she was in her eyes. I asked if I could walk to the OR and think I was laughed at. Our photographer showed up just as I was being wheeled out of room 210. 

The OR was quiet. Everyone was scrubbing in. It was just me, the anesthesiologist and the OR tech. I had time to pray. I had time to try and comprehend that I was going to be meeting my 4 miracles. I was trying to find a way they could stall for 90 minutes so their birthday could be on our 10th wedding anniversary. I was trying to come to terms that I had failed my babies by only making it to 30.5 weeks. 

People started coming in. My epidural had been placed which gave me the shakes just like it had with my other two labors. My husband, the love of my life, the father of my babies came in and told me everyone had made it. He was a fearful giddy and though he was nervous he did everything he could to stay strong. I was in a complete state of peace. 

The tears came when I heard my peanut cry. My Baby A was a girl and though she was tiny she cried. It was what I needed to hear to know that everything was going to be okay. Next was Baby B also a girl. I never remember her crying but Paul had told me she had. I now know she didn't and she required the longest resuscitation but Baby B was born at 10:25pm. I thought we had 3 girls as Baby C was being delivered because I heard the doctor say, "come hear sweetheart" but it wasn't long after that I heard my husband say, "we have another boy" with tears in his voice. My heart melted for the man who was so proud to have another son. My first thought when they held him up was 'He is a mini Drew'. I knew Baby D was going to be a boy. I needed to hear him cry. I needed to know he was okay. I wanted the delivery to be over so I could know how my other three babies were. Baby D came out crying. He competed our foursome. 

My babies were all here. I was the mother of 7 children. I had done the job I had been given; to grow 4 babies in my womb at one time and get them here safely. Though I was so happy they were all healthy it would take me over 9 months to stop grieving that I had delivered them 9 weeks early. The birth of the quads is a day of so many emotions; those of being scared, of complete peace, of grieving, of joy. Babies know as I am watching you tomorrow on your 3rd birthday I am also watching the clock thinking about the day 3 years earlier and allowing myself to relive it just one more time.

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