March 12, 2015

Sugar Coating

It's been a month since I have blogged and I have thought about sitting down many times to write about what has been going on but then this little voice asks me if what I am about to write is sugar coated. A couple weeks ago someone mentioned to me that between my blog and facebook I make everything seem like my life is perfect and not hard. I have tried to be completely honest over the last 3 years that I have blogged. I thought I wrote about our day to day struggles of being a family, of having many young kids and just the reality of living in today's busy world but after this comment I started questioning how I was coming across and so I stopped blogging altogether until I figured out the direction I needed to take 'The Littlest Lesnaus'.

Nothing like a little 'sugar' cookie to make lots of smiles.
I enjoy writing and always have. I am absolutely not of book writing materiel though because I have awful grammar and am sure I have lost a handful of followers because of it. I started the blog to keep our out of state family updated on my high risk pregnancy which then turned into keeping them up to speed on our nicu journey and after we were home it was a way for everyone to continue to get to know our little family even though we are miles away. I enjoy knowing that our family back in MN actually know what our kiddos look like besides just the annual Christmas card but I don't want people to think our life is perfect.

So lets talk reality for a little bit. First I want to say that I LOVE having a large family with lots of little kids. Is it always easy? NO. But in all honesty Paul and I do well with numerous little people. We have this 7 kids thing down. Our house is loud pretty much all the time but other than that our house runs smoothly. Our kids help around the house and for the most part enjoy it. Just tonight I had Natalie and Aubrey arguing over who got to help get dinner ready and the table set. We know what has to be done each day and we get it done. Our house is always picked up at night (the toy room not so much but that is the exact reason I needed that specific space for the contained mess), the floors are sweeped nightly and a couple times a week washed, and the counters are clean with dishes done. If you walked into our house on any given day you would question whether 7 kids actually lived here. It is one of the ways my life seems totally in order when most often I am just trying to do the best that I can. With that said here is my non-sugar coated life:

Fleas: I hate anything that resides in hair or fur
You may remember last summer when lice took over my house and I prayed that I would never have to endure that adventure again. Well my prayers have so far been answered but apparently I have not been specific enough with them. My cats have FLEAS and I have decided they are maybe even worse than lice. I started noticing bites on my ankles and assumed they were mosquitoes since we have been outside more at dusk. Then I started noticing them on my back and I told Paul I thought we were dealing with fleas and I got a roll of the eyes. About 3 days later I literally saw a flea jump off of me and after trying to kill the thing with my fingernails and having no such luck I drowned the bad boy. I pulled up google images and sure enough my drowned friend was the same thing that stared back at me on the computer screen. I was at the vet in under thirty minutes getting flea treatment for our two cats. This is when I was thinking we would treat the cats and eventually all of the fleas would die in our home over the next couple of months. No one else was being bitten but me and although I have greater reactions to all bug bites than most and was extremely uncomfortable I could deal as long as no one else was wanting to scratch their ankles off. This was my theory for about 5 days until the dang bugs found Isabella and decided she tasted as good as I did. And the poor girl has the same kind of reactions to bug bites that her momma does. The next day our house was bombed and will continue to be every other month for a while. I seriously want to become a hoarder and never clean because that is how I feel now after having lice and fleas all within the same year. My prayers now are to never see another creature that lives in hair or fur...ever.

Luckily I don't hate washing clothes but I do hate putting them away. One thing I have learned this winter is I will take summer washing over winter washing any day. Washing swim suits and towels is so much easier and faster than jeans and sweatshirts. I literally am keep up by doing a little every day. Some days I decide to skip but that always ends up back firing. If you stop by don't be surprised if you see folded clothes on our kitchen table or island. If I did it anywhere else in the house I don't think it would get put away. At least if it is on my table I must clear it before we can eat. I am very fortunate that our babysitter washes, folds and puts clothes away after the kids are in bed. Almost makes you want a date night a couple times a week. When we redo our laundry room you can bet that there will be two sets of washers and dryers because I know the clothes my kids wear are only going to be getting bigger which will require more loads to get caught up on laundry. Swim suit season please come quick because I am over winter laundry.

Two working parents:
Paul and I are very fortunate that we have two great careers but with both of us working full time and not using daycare it leaves us as single parents a lot. Days home with both parents are the best but unfortunately don't happen as often as we want. Paul is crazy busy right now and puts in long hours. Thankfully he is also willing to get up at 3 or 4am to leave the house so he can be home mid afternoon to be home with us. He will then work on emails and other work items after the kids are in bed and will often be working til 11pm. My shifts are 12 hours and I will often stay for an extra 4 which means I leave the house at 6:15am and return home at 11:45pm. The bonus of working the hours we do is our kids are always home with either mom or dad. Fortunately we both love what we do but there are often times I wish I could be a stay at home mom so that we could have more days home as a family of 9 instead of 8. Someday...

A certain 6 year old:
I have a child who is exactly like me and boy does she make my life hard. My greatest fear is that I will not have a good relationship with this daughter later in life because of our relationship today. She has always needed me more than any of my other children. Even as a baby she would stay in my arms while her twin was passed around because otherwise there would be a whole lot of screaming going on. As she has gotten older she has become harder and harder for me to parent. I love her so much and she will always choose me over Paul and that is why it pains me the way our days often end up. Usually both of us are crying, doors have been slammed and I am left questioning how I can get through to her. She is so smart, so helpful but so opinionated and always right. Oh and did I tell you she turns every 'no' into an opportunity to cry? The problem is she is not this way in school or around other people. Why does she have to be like this around home? To say I don't know what to do is an understatement. I have read books. I have implemented their ideas. I have praised her more. I have allowed her to help more. I have ignored her meltdowns. I have taken away privileges. I have let her know how her words affect me. Yet nothing has helped. I recently told my mom and Paul that I think I need to find a counselor because at this point I literally wake up waiting for our first confrontation each morning and have come to the point that I always have a shield up with her. I struggle with a relationship I have with my 6 year old daughter and it scares me because we have not even reached the teen years yet.

Notice the laundry in the background folded on our table?
Ever since the new year I have been plain tired. As in if I could get pregnant I would be taking a test. I get everything done that needs to be done but nothing extra. I am in bed before 10 and I sleep til the very last minute that I can. I am keeping up with the day to day stuff that I need to do but I have no motivation to do more. Painting needs to be done, a garden needs to be planted, pictures need to be ordered for our house, a quad mom get together needs to be planned, I need to work out. But who has energy to do all of that? I use to and I need it to come back to me. I know I do a lot during the day and so wish I could video tape just one day of it because in 50 years I will never believe I actually did everything that I needed to do to raise my family. A little extra turbo sure would help this momma out.

A little boy I am in love with:
In December I fell head over heels in love with a little boy half way around the world. He lives in China and has spent every day of his life in an orphanage. Paul and I have always talked about adopting and assumed it would be from Ukraine because so many of our friends have adopted from there but in early December my heart was stolen in China. He was so close to becoming our son. All I needed to do was hit submit and the paper chase would have started. But Paul had reservations, not about adopting but about this specific little boy. I felt over and over that God was showing me that B was ours. I have never felt so strongly about something in my life but even though Paul told me we could move forward I couldn't. Paul was not ready and I never wanted to push him into this decision. Though I knew with every fiber of my being that B was my son I needed Paul to know it too. So I waited and waited and waited. And while I waited I cried more than I have cried over my own children. And then just when Paul was ready to say 'yes' we got more information about B and both Paul and I knew that though we would love to have this little boy be a part of our family his medical needs were more than we could take on with the ages of our other children. My heart ached and at the same time there was such an empty space in my life for weeks. I questioned God why he gave me so many signs if B wasn't ours. Why did God not work faster on Paul before we got the updated information? Why do I have this need to have more kids? Months later I still have a hard time when his picture comes up on the adoption groups. I still see him as mine. I keep praying that his mom and dad find him soon because there is nothing that would give me more happiness than to know that he has a mom and dad coming for him. At the same time I will be jealous that they get to love on him because for a month B was ours. The kids still talk about B and often offer money they get or earned to be used to bring B home. I now believe God used B to open our eyes to adoption in China. China was never even an option before and now we know we will be bringing home a son or daughter from there and I often wonder who God has planned for us. Who is he/she? Are they being take care of? Are they still in the womb of their mother who loves them fiercely but will have to make the decision to abandon her baby when the baby she gives birth to is not 'perfect'? So many questions; some will be answered some day and some never will be but what I do now is we will be blessed in so many ways when we finally meet our son or daughter.

The beginning of a journey that I often wish had a better map and timeline fore me to follow because I am impatient .
Our life is not perfect. It is not boring or dull. It is chaotic yet organized. It is the life I have chosen and though I try not to sugar coat it I have to say we have more awesome moments than any other kind. Will I continue to blog? I am not sure to be honest because I feel we are living life just like everyone else and so some days I find myself unsure what I am being called to write about. And now I think it is time to open a box of girl scout cookies and fold some laundry!!


  1. I LOVE this post and I love YOU!

  2. Pleease don't stop blogging. There are many out there that love reading ur blog posts cos it adds a little sunshine to their slightly boring life. I love reading ur blog and was excited when i finally saw a post. U'v got extra cute kids. Love from Nigeria.

  3. Though you don't know me I'm a devoted fan! I found your blog a few months ago and I have read every single entry! I think you are great writer. I don't think it's sugar-coated. You just write with so much JOY and LOVE for your beautiful family. It's a pleasure to read and also sometimes invokes an ache or longing in me to live my life more meaningfully. You are an inspiration! Please don't stop blogging!

    I'm soo so excited to hear that you guys are thinking about adoption. I would love to hear about this new chapter and exciting future for your family! I will be praying for B to find his family and for your family to find their missing piece!

    Hope to hear more from you soon!

  4. Krista, great post & way to keep it real!

  5. You touch more lives than you know. You might feel like you are living life like everyone else-- yes, we all have similar lives, but the choices that you and your family make are interesting and thought provoking. Only you know if you should keep blogging or not, but I for one would certainly miss you.

  6. I very much enjoy reading your blog! I've never felt like you sugar coat your lives - it seems to me that you have a gratitude that just keeps you positive about most everything. Thanks for your honesty!

  7. I love reading your blog! I've been following since before the quads were born and it's amazing to have watched them grow and thrive! I've never before thought that you sugar coat anything, but one thing that definately comes through in your writing is that you have a beautiful family!
    Lots of love,

  8. Don't stop blogging! We all like reading about your big family "issues"! And if you want to suger coat, you have every right to do so!

  9. Praying God opens the doors for you to adopt from China!! I have 6 siblings from China. All so precious!!

  10. I am a longtime reader but first time commenter ... Your blog is one of my absolute favorites! please do not stop blogging! I love reading about your beautiful family and I especially love you write ... as if you are talking to a good friend!


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