November 26, 2014

Give Thanks - November 26th (Who I have Become)

Day 18 - Who I have Become

Today I am thankful for the person I have grown to be. Am I perfect? Heck NO; I have more faults and imperfections than I care to admit. I make mistakes and must ask for forgiveness but even still I like the person I am today. This has not always been the case. As a teenager I had a very low self esteem. I saw myself as the fat girl and often felt sorry for my brother and sister because they had to have me as their sister. I had one very close girlfriend and that was about all because my confidence got in the way of making other friends. Getting good grades was the one thing I could control and getting anything but A's became unacceptable to me because I knew I could succeed in that part of being me. As I become a college student these same insecurities followed me and so I buried myself again in my course work. There was little time for having fun during my days in college and besides I was way too uncomfortable in any kind of party setting to enjoy it. I may have appeared on the outside to have all the confidence in the world but this was not at all how I felt on the inside. 

It wasn't until I graduated college and I began working as a nurse that I started having some faith in myself. I took small steps in gaining confidence as I grew as a nurse. This was the beginning in becoming who I am today. Next I became a mom and again I grew a little more. I am not the supermom that I am often told I am but I try to be the best mom I can be for my kids. Some days I succeed at this and other days I fail miserably. As a mom I am confident in who I am. I very seldom compare myself to other moms; we all have our strengths and weaknesses and I though I may not be the best at playing make believe I am awesome at giving tickles and kisses. There is nothing that can build you up more than a 4 year old little man saying 'You're the best mom ever' or a 6 year old saying 'I love you' for no reason except that she really does love her momma. My children have helped shape me into the person I am today. 

Now the last part may not make sense to some but today I am happy with who I am as a wife. Yes I have been a wife for a long time but it hasn't been until the last couple of years that I feel I have become the wife I want to be for my husband. We got married young. We were still in college and our first year was great. A honeymoon for sure even though we lived in low income housing, had no money and were finishing our last year of school. After year one our marriage hit lots of bumps and some were bigger than others; finishing college but no secure job for Paul, cancer, infertility, miscarriages, being laid off, attempted home business, living like we still had 2 incomes but only 1 income coming in, and an unexpected pregnancy that was so wanted just not a good time due to finances. All those bumps during our early years of marriage caused lots of frustrations, feelings of inadequacy, and we often found ourselves trying to make it through one hurdle after another. Now don't get me wrong we had a lot of fun and I loved my husband but in a different way than I do today. It all started to change when we found ourselves pregnant with quads. We had to become a team because without each other we were going to fall apart. We allowed God to lead us instead of us taking the path we wanted to take because the end was more fun or grander. We realized that very few could understand the trials and joys we faced daily and so we found ourselves turning to each other which ended up bringing us closer as husband & wife. Over the last 3 years we have fallen more in love with each other than we have ever been and I have became a stronger person because of it. Twelve years into marriage I am the wife I want to be. Is my marriage now a walk in the park? Not always but on those days I know we will find common ground again and though we may find ourselves on another bump or even a hill someday we will get through it because I am so in love with the man I married. 

So today at age 33 I am thankful for the person I have become. 

I am a child of God.

I am a wife.

I am a mother.

I am a daughter.

I am a sister.

I am an aunt.

I am a friend.

I am me and after not liking who I was for many years I can now
 say I like who I am and for that I am thankful.

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