July 03, 2012

Emotions

Tired, Scared, Minority, Solely Responsible.....the feelings this quad momma is going through today. But not all days are like this, well actually very few, so let's first mention the non-emotional days! On Friday my most awesome husband surprised me with a wonderful date night. We left the kids with our wonderful babysitter, aka Grandma, and headed for an early dinner. I got to choose were we went and I have been dying to have sushi. It tasted fabulous even with it having to be fully cooked fish. That tells you how long it has been since I have gotten to go out for sushi!! After a couple of pieces I felt stuffed because the four babies in my tummy do not allow for much food intake these days but I just kept eating because I am not sure when I will get to go and have it again. It doesn't make it anywhere high on Paul's favorite food to go out for which is such a sad thing! After dinner we then got to go to a Trace Adkins concert and boy is he tall, coming from someone who is married to a man that is 6'6'', and his voice is soooo deep. It was a great concert and, this part is so sad, but it was mine and Paul's first concert ever. As Paul said, at least we went to our first one at age 31 not 32. We have always chosen to go to plays and musicals if given the option but we may have to go see a couple more concerts in our future but I will wait until after I am done being pregnant because bleacher type seats are so not comfortable with a rather large belly. I think the people behind us must have thought I had the worse ADD ever because I literally was changing positions every couple of minutes. 

Friday was a wonderful day/night and then Saturday came and I was in bed most of the day from just being plain tired.And this is were the emotions started. You may wonder why I am even writing "publicly" about the not so good days and there are two reasons; 1) this is my journal for this pregnancy. I have kept journals for all my pregnancies but just not in a blog format. My journals for the girls and Drew are filled with the wonderful and the not so wonderful aspects of their pregnancies. 2) I rely so much on the blogs that other quad moms have. The ones that I look at the most for reassurance, comfort, the ins & outs of being a quad mom are those that are honest. The good and the bad is what I look for in their blogs. No one better understands that sometimes a quad pregnancy is the hardest thing ever and sometimes it just plain old sucks. I hope that someday someone who finds themselves blessed with quads will find my blog so that they can see that most days during their pregnancy will be awesome, amazing and the best journey ever but that some days its okay to have a bad day; we all have them.

Tired....My body is becoming more and more physically exhausted. Not all the time and I know I can do this much longer but sometimes my energy level is at ground zero. I love being a mom and I am having days when all I want is to have my kids leave me alone. Sunday was one of those days. I woke up tired and just having the kids ask me questions on the way to church was too much. And the one thing about my two beautiful daughters is that they love to talk and ask questions. They are NOT satisfied with one word answers. I know from many other quad moms that starting around week 26 things get hard because of the energy it takes to continue to grow four babies. It wouldn't be bad if I could lie down at night and fall fast asleep and sleep for 12 hours but the insomnia is awful. I actually dread going to bed because within the first 15 minutes of laying down I have to get up to go to the bathroom even though I just went before crawling into bed. It is no easy task getting out of bed anymore! I then repeat this about every 1.5 hours with a reposition from one side to the other with each trip. I often then find myself wide awake during the middle of the night which is frustrating because my husband is sound asleep next to me and I am so jealous. And just so you know people do not update their facebook often enough during the night to keep me occupied! I know we have many sleepless nights in our future so I will just continue to take it one day at a time.

Scared...Monday night I started having some contractions that were lasting longer than I liked and after taking my visteril, drinking lots of water and resting they weren't going away. Paul and I headed to the hospital to make sure everything was okay. The monitor was not picking up the contractions very well but the nurse could visibly see the contractions due to the fact that my tummy gets very contorted during them with trying to tighten around four babies. I got a dose of terbutaline to stop the contractions and the side effect of this med is that your heart rate elevates and one gets jittery. I felt like I had drank nothing but coffee all day!! It was an awful feeling and the kids felt it too because they were moving all over. So now I was on a caffeine high and had four party animals dancing in my belly. But the good thing was it did stop the contractions. I also had a test done called an fFN which helps predict if you will go into labor in the next 7-14 days. Mine came back negative which I was so happy about. The statistics say that with a negative there is <1% of one going into labor in the next 7-14 days. If this is accurate we will be almost at the 28 week mark when the 14 days are up. I was just so happy not to see a positive. We arrived home at 2:30am only to have to be back at the hospital by 9:30 for my weekly appointment. I felt like a truck ran me over when I woke! 

All babies are looking good and again fluid levels were great. My cervix did go down this week to 3.3cm which made me very sad. I felt like things were going down hill and I was being defeated. My doctor was great though and reassured me that I was still getting an A+ from her. My cervix is still fully closed which she said she looks at more than the length because length is not very precise depending on what position it is being measured from. Baby A's bottom was also pressing right against my cervix which could have had some affect on the length. Because of the irritability of my uterus I am being started on a medication called Procardia that I will take every 6 hours while awake to hopefully keep contractions to a minimum. I also was told I needed to rest more. I asked if we were at strict bed rest time and she quickly said no bed rest yet but I do need to have two 2-hour rest periods each day where I am either in bed or sitting on the couch. This I can totally do and may even get a thing or two accomplished that I have had on my bed rest to do list. I will also be getting a handicap placard for my car in the mail early next week. I never thought I would be happy to not have to walk the extra 25ft in a parking lot! I get scared when thinking about these kiddos coming now and just want my body to continue taking care of my babies.
Baby D

Baby D
 Minority...It is not normal to be pregnant with four babies at one time and there are not many of us out there compared to those that have singletons or even twins. I had a good friend the other day text me saying how happy she was for me. It brought many emotions to the surface for me. I only wanted one more baby but instead got four. Yes I know we put four embryos back in but it took 8 embryos to get the girls and two of the four we put back in were supposedly not viable per one of the fertility doctors. We never in a million years imagined all four would take. I know I will love each of these babies and couldn't imagine my life without them but some days I struggle to see where our life will be in one, two and three years from now. Will the craziness have passed? Will we be able to go out as a family and not be asked a million and one questions and hear remarks from people when we walk down the street? Will other families invite us over for dinner knowing that they are inviting nine extra people? Will my kids remember me as a mom that was there for them individually and liked to have a good time or will they remember a mom that was stressed out with seven little kids and all she did was yell, nag for them to pick up, tell them to chew with their mouth closed, and remember their manners? There are days when I wish I could move to a neighborhood that only consisted of quad families because we would be "normal". No one would look twice when pushing a quad stroller, driving a 12 passenger van would be no big deal, & calling your kid the wrong name because they all look the same from the back would be understood.
A picture I never added to the blog. These are our babies on the day of transfer after being frozen for over five years. For those that have never done IVF this is what your children looked like five days after conception! Paul and I left the clinic on the day of transfer trying to guess which two were the good embryos...little did we know they were all awesome!!!
 Sole Responsibility...It is my job to get these kids here safely. It is a big job, something harder than I could have ever imagined possible. I would give anything to be reassured that these kiddos will come after week 32. I feel like their future rest in my hands. If they have trouble at birth or a lifetime disablity would they have had those issues if I could have kept them in for another week or two. These are the things that run through my head at night when I can't sleep. I get jealous of my husband that can carry on his day and not worry that running into a store might bring on preterm labor. I miss the days of just running into the mall to get sheets for cribs or baskets for bottles. I need to clean out my pantry to make a "feeding" shelf for the babies but will that be too much? I question everything I do now because my decisions could affect the "littles". I love my children beyond words but being solely responsible for them is hard.

Today is over and hopefully tomorrow I will wake up and some of the pregnancy emotions will be gone and I can go back to the joy of being pregnant with four little miracles. Tomorrow will be a day of parades (for daddy and the kids), way to much food and beautiful lights in the sky with hopefully big booms. I hope everyone has a wonderful day but please be safe. And to all my Knapek family...have a wonderful time at the lake. Wish we could be there too and we miss you all. 


                                  Popsicles=Summer 





4 comments:

  1. Hang in there momma, you are doing a GREAT job!! I have worried/do worry about everything you have mentioned in this post. And I know it's hard not to worry, but sometimes the cervical measurements do not always predict everything... I had NO cervical length left for a month before I had my babies. You are getting right up to the tough part of the pregnancy, but you've got this!

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  2. I know each of these emotions all too well. I run through most of them daily! Sometimes it is all just too much and I cry, but know it is all worth it and gets better. You are doing an amazing job! I'm impressed that you aren't even on bed rest, and maybe even a bit jealous ;)

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  3. Hang in there Krista! You're doing so amazing and I know that you are going to make it through this pregnancy with great results! You're not on bed rest yet which is totally awesome but please do rest! I feel so much better when I do and you really deserve it. You're creating four human beings! You must be tired. You're a great mom and the quads will be a beautiful addition to your family!

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  4. Krista, what you said rings SO true for me daily as well. Those fears, emotions and issues are what I fight with daily as well. One of the hardest things that I have learned is to NOT do things, especially hard for you I bet since you already have 3 kids! With my daughter, I have had to have family/friends/neighbors take over about 80% of caregiving for her when my husband is at work because when I "over do" it (HA! this means making lunch) I start to contract and get pooped for a ridiculous amount of time afterwards.
    My husband is always reminding me the best thing I can do for the 4 in the belly is to NOT DO ANYTHING. So hard when the house is a mess and things need to get done, and when I start feeling guilty that I am not being the best mom to my daughter... but in the grand scheme of things, this small slice of time is SO crucial for the quads. Here's to 32 weeks and beyond... and hang in there, you are doing such an amazing job!!
    Becky

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