I don't even know what to say, we are in a state of complete shock so bear with me through this long post. Today started out with us having a lazy morning as a family of five and expecting triplets. I laid in bed waiting for my zofran to kick in while reading a book, Natalie laid next to me doing her deep reading of Dave Ramsey(she said she wanted to read a mommy book), and Aubrey & Drew were making a swimming pool in the shower with dad. It was awesome. We then got up and daddy made everyone oatmeal and we made it over to grandma's to drop of the kids. I was a ball of nerves this morning scared off two circumstances; we wouldn't find all three heartbeats this morning or we would find one embryo had split. As soon as they started the ultrasound I knew I was seeing way too many sacs and babies. I looked at the doctor and said, "how many is that?" His answer, "four." The dread I had all weekend had come true except one didn't split, one of our "littles" was hiding last week. Oh my I am carrying quads and this was not part of my plan. I was totally okay with triplets...I could do that. I am so scared with quads. This is my blog and I will be telling my true feelings because this is my journal for this adventure. We made it through the measuring of all four babies or gummies as that is what they look like this week. I asked the doctor what he thinks of all four making it to viability as long as my body does its job? He said that with the way they all look, are measuring and their heartbeats were all within a couple of beats from each other he says he thinks they will all make it. Baby A, B & D had heartbeats of 174 and Baby C was 176. We joked through the ultrasound and the humor was what I needed. At one point I looked back at Paul who was leaning up against a wall and told him, "I hope we love each other because their is no one who is ever going to date us with seven kids." As soon as the doctor and assistant left the room I melted into my husbands arms and just cried. I wish I could tell you they were tears of happiness but they were tears of being scared for the babies God had intrusted to me.
I am so scared for the health of the children I am carrying. I work in the nicu and see babies born at 26 weeks. I do not want that for my children, heck I don't even want them born at 32 weeks. How am I going to be strong enough to be a nicu mom and leave my children every night. For those that don't know me super well I am 100% type A. My kids don't even go to day care because I don't want someone else raising my kids. People aren't allowed to drive my kids unless it's my mom or sister. Paul and I don't go on vacation by ourselves because how would I leave my little loves? Now I will be on bed rest and not be able to be active in my three oldest children's life this summer and then I will have four kids in the nicu and I will have no control there either.
I am also worried about me. I will give everything to get these children here safely but I know the strain that it will put on me. I remember when I was about 37 weeks with the twins and couldn't take it any longer. I stood in the shower and just cried because my body couldn't take another day because I was so uncomfortable. Paul was right there and told me I could. That I was doing this for our babies and I knew that to be the truth but my body hurt all over and I had a condition that made me itch every where. I am scared for these days with the quads. I know I will have them. There will be days when I want to be done and I am fearful of these days because I know they are bad.
The last thing I am scared about is finances. I have a wonderful paying job but will be out of work by week 18 and collecting disability which is not 100% pay. Paul is doing consulting work for an engineering company and currently looking for a full time job. Not the best of times to be bringing four more kids into our finances. I know things will work out but boy is it scary. Good thing we have been living on a pretty tight budget this last year!
The one thing I do know is that I am married to the best person ever to be on this adventure with. He is the best husband and the most wonderful father. The support he has already provided me and will continue to give means the world to me. As he told me today, "at least we won't be lonely when we are old." Love his outlook on this.
The greatest joy I have in life are my children and I know we are so blessed to be getting a gift of four more. My sister has always said ever since I realized what a mom was that it is all I have ever wanted to be. It is so true. Paul and I have also always wanted a large family but just maybe not 7 kids under four and a half!! We ask you more than ever to keep us in your prayers. If you belong to a church with a prayer group could you please add our "littles" to it. We specifically ask you to pray for the health of all four of our babies and that Paul and I can continue to be strong for each other when in doubt. We are not in control of this situation, God is and so we will turn this over to Him and let him lead the way.
|The Lesnau Quads|